it may not be apparent yet, but I'm finally losing weight... back to a 12 by febuary i hope :)

I have many new lovely things... including a rather large batch of silver items, in preparation for Bangface this friday, including the shoes...

As I'm aware, it's me, Loz, Alex, Abi, Ashton, Jamie, Ayla, and a few other lovely peoples, so t'is going to be an awesome night me thinks. Will be good to get away from the crappy "cybergoth elitist complex" and just spend some time with some amazing friends.

Frantic is all booked up and ready to go.

then there is another frantic, an octane vs sinistry, and a couple of other events in the line up for early next year, think i might play alone for a while, and travel to these things by myself, dance, meet new people, have a good time then return to my every day life, or start going out with people i dont know as well more often, either way you know.

I'm in great anger with technbology, because my handwriting is fine, just because a few people cant write neatly we all have to type up our essays, and given recent problems with new new replacement laptop not turning up I am now under extension... fingers crossed I'll find microsoft word in time!

Sam and me are having our issues, me being a nasty insensative girlfriend who clearly never thinks about him, all because he doesn't like my way of dieting, due to this i spent last night on the sofa... in my own house. What the fuck! And just to add to it, he has been claiming that my obsession with my weight is damaging our relationship, urm how is it? Oh well, maybe that was too personal a thing to go in to on here?

I haven't got out this week, Belle has a virus, I've been ill so have pretty much been isolated in the house minus a few trips for calpol, baby food, and diet coke, so I've been doing all my shopping on the net which is proving difficult to find some things I like, but getting there...

Christmas wish list-

Cyberdog record bag.

Skull candy double agents.

iron fist thug boots.

and that beautiful bright blue pvc waspie from lip service.

any one feeling rich and generous? ^^ will give sex! no just kidding, to both parts >.<

I use emotions in my typing too much these days.
anyway, hope everyone is incredibly well, and i hope to see the majority of you soon, over the festive period, oh btw the annual hapy chrismas is finally fucking over day will be taking place on the 27th in canterbury as usual, plan is get slaughtered again, go to hob for curry, and possibly do so in fancy dress . horah.

ta ta x

which is why when i see something funny on it i rave about it;

the new intel adverts are BRILLIANT!*

*This does not make me a geek, i just understand the humour ^^

From time to time in life we need to stop, look directly in front of ourselves and realise just how very lucky we are;

On monday a very close friend of mine who was 32 weeks pregnant was rushed in for an emergancy c section. Her and her fiance are now still in hospital, staring at their 2 pound baby boy through a plastic screen, he's already had an operation to fix his chest, and no one is quite sure how it will end. My thoughts are with her so much, if i didn't have Belle to look after, I'd travel up to see her and support them both. I just prey there is a happy ending.

I've been hugging Belle a lot this morning, our darling beautiful girl, I am so grteful for everything she has given us, even the nappies... Being a family is what held me and Sam strong, and I know it will be the same for little Jacob.

egadfly asked me these questions.

If you want to play too, then:
* Leave me a comment saying so.
* I'll respond by asking you five questions (not necessarily these ones).
* Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
* Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.


1. What is something that I don't know about you, and would be surprised to learn?
One of those really annoying questions as i never know who knows what, or what sort of thing surprises you. I could tell you that I'm insane or i could tell you my father ran away with the circus, i could also tell you that i have an obscure love for kylie minogue, and that i have also been in love with a hungarian acrobat for years and would kill to follow in my fathers footsteps purely for her kiss, but whether you'd believe the correct ones, or find any of them even the slightest bit surprising i don't know.


2. Name one thing you'd like to be famous for one day?
Hacking into the national defense systems, i chose this for a day as i truly believe the punishment might just be death.

3. If I gave you a magic wand that could change one thing about the world, what would you choose to change?
Nothing, some things are just ment to be, of corse if i had only ten seconds to answer the question i'd say something predictable like ending all famine and such.

4. If you could receive one message now, sent back in time from your future self, what would you most want to hear?
Dear Si, Cheating on people will not make you feel better about yourself, and will only damage your chances at future happiness.

5. What is guaranteed to make you smile?
one thing or many?
one- Seeing Sam and Belle happy

many- family / music events / friends / afterpartys / hugs / random acts of affection and kindness / changing my hair / films / writing / studying... i guess what I'm getting at is Life :)

enjoy reading

So how the hell do i link an lj friend in a journal?

idea stolen from ( spider-meringue )

FULL FAT COKE
If i wanted that amount of calories I'd have a meal, at least with diet coke I can't feel my teeth rotting as I drink it.

THE OVER USE OF FACIAL PIERCINGS
let's be honest, all i really want to do is get a magnet or ten and attempt to rip them from the skin. All i have is a nose ring and that still gets caught on everything constantly, imagine kissing someone with god knows how many lip studs, nose pieces, eyebrow bars... eugh!

"THOSE" FRIENDS
The boys you flirt with and the girls you hold hands with claiming complete innocence, let's just be serious for a moment, we all know if you wern't in a relationship you'd fuck each others brains out, and your boyfriend/girlfriend know's this! I have a few people i fancy and Sam knows all about it, that is why it's ok.

REALITY TV
If i want to watch people live then I'll go to the pub and stare out of the window.

SAM
a typical relationship factor ^^

HAIR
How ever much i dye / straighten / wash / style my hair it always looks messy, this is not fair.

COUNCIL ESTATES (I Know there are exceptions)
But if you don't want to be treated like the scum of the earth then stop acting like it. Don't leave sofas on your lawn, or scream the houe down at 3am, no one wants to know about your sex life with your brutally uneducated underage girlfriend, or hear from your 20 children. Don't moan when people put down those on benefits, when you refuse to go and look for a job. I'm not an elitists but I will always dislike those who purpously do nothing about their problems when there are plenty of options to be taken. Fair enough to those who really have no choice (and can't be bothered is not 'no choice').

ONLINE BLOGGING / UPDATES
Lets face it, I'm addicted to LJ and Twitter just like everybody else and I really wish I wasn't.

It's stupid o clock in the morning;

and i wish for fire...
bring me fire!

urm no, where was i going with this? can't remember, am staring at sleeping Sam, and alert child, half watching lose women, my life is over.

So yeah, hundreds of monies will poor into my account over the next few days and i shall shop until i go mad, if only i was spending it on me, stupid christmas, stealing my monies, taking my time , and dragging me in to human company, will i ever be allowed to play the true grinch?

I would like to spend £40 on clothes i don't need, i may do so :D this will make christmas much beeeeetttter ^^

love to all xxx

plans for the next few months are beginning to get hectic.
The only things that have actually been booked and cedrtified are Bangface and Frantic.
and I'm missing Octance.

I'm hoping not to miss grendel, but it isn't looking too good given Sam wont come with me.

I'm trying to decide what to do with my hair, I think i just want thick dreads, but what colour, decisions.

and i stumbled accross this slightly odd take on the new Macdonalds "passing by" poem...

Now the racists and rapists
And open prison escapists
Were just passing by.
And the grabby types,
The Maddie types,
Who want to be a Daddy types
Were just passing by.
And the mug-you types,
And thug-you types
And like to have sex by drug-you types
Were just passing by.
Those on their own,
Fucking the phone
With squinty eyes and al...l alone
Were just passing by.
Trucker driving through
Who just got blew
And killed a hooker on the A32
Was just passing by.
And the IT bod
Sat in his pod
Choking on his tongue and writing his blog
Was just passing by.
And the jobless types,
Who are not white
And used to pick cotton and fingers are light
Were just passing by.
And the sick perverts,
Who disconcert
The women with outragous flirts
And like to fill their mouths with squirts
Were just passing by.
The sick joke folk,
That read and then choke,
Waiting for Elton to have his stroke
Were just passing by
There's a McDonalds for everyone....

this world certainly is becoming an even stranger place :/

S x

Dearest Xbox 360...

When you decide to feature such applications as encouraging helping your girlfriend to look after his daughter, i will favour you. When Modern Warfare helps make bottles and changes nappies then i will happily hand him over. When Halo is an essential for real world survival, I will allow you to come before me. I am aware that the likelyhood of these days ever arriving is low, so please xbox 360 please give my boyfriend back to me before i smash you and all your pretty little add ons to thousands of fucking pieces.

best wishes
Si x

so i blew my laptop budget and spent £100 more, and £50 of my mums on office... stupid technology looking pretty and always tempting me.


I will now live on formula milk for a month...
well not really but it was an interesting thought.


To octane or not to octane?


Oli's tomorrow, oh and a lecture nearly forgot about that, whoops

happy happy days


I have a virus, which i lovingly shared with Sam, he is now at home resting (playing xbox) whilst I look after Belle (play on new laptop as Belle is never awake).

Windows 7 is just lovely by the way, i keep finding bits i haven't noticed yet. thank god vista is finally over.

Wow how I've missed getting wasted...

convincing myself I was a zebra and being hypnotised by shaved hair definately being the high point.
That and retrieving from a very short break up with Sam.

Sinistry was amazing.

I think the next one is grendel/glowball? cant remember the dates.

anyway assignments to complete, babies to look after

x

I'm sat here wondering how in hell i ever let it get this far?

tricking myself into believing it would work from day one, when i really knew it never would.
I would never go back, i love him, but now I am beginning to think i've lost him, through my own stupidity. or perhaps even through hi.

I can't be arsed with punctuation.

I dyed Sam's hair black, that was fun...
We're going to Portsmouth today, I don't really know how it is going to go. I want to have a good time, but i don't know how such a thing works when on the verge of heart break... meh.
I WONT let this break up (i hope) (good old optimism).

On a lighter note, we have a car again, my laptop grant came through, i got some free money, Belle has every baby halloween outfit in the country,  and There are some very good parties coming up;

so i'm just going to see where the wind takes me

si x

or take this as ranting/depressing, quite frankly if you read it witha pinch of salt i sound less like a winging cow.

So apparently calling Margate a shit hole in front of the majority of people that live there causes problems, and announcing obviously that you will punch the next person who gives you a funny  look at the top of your voice doesn't go down well either. How about sticking to the traffic light system? nope that just causes road rage. Or you could try and cross the road, and get your pram shunted off the crossing into the road by another mother with a buggy.

But hey there is nothing like taking your daughter out for the day to experience nothing but prejudice and rudeness. I now understand why they built westwood where they did, it's because people don't want to go into the miserable town that is Margate.

All be it my favourite part of the day had to be the sixteen year old daughter pointing me out to her mother so they could laugh together.
I know i don't fit in to the newest style, and that i chose to stand out, but i wear nice clothes, i tke care of my appearance , and i don't comment on the fact they look like complete dogs in their jeggins, pumps and what apparently are this years excuse for a top. which probably totalled at about £10 from primark (no offense to primark i think i have a couple of things from there myself). 
The fact is, Thanet council go on about all this money they have, and we all know london throw it at them for taking in their homeless, but where is it? Because these brats are clearly uneducated and the streets and buildings are disgusting, but hey at least people who pay their taxes are supporting people in a situation like me, who may be on income support, but are using it to support myself through illness and education, not to fund the group of 15 year old parents smoking outside the council offices today.

...............................................

Another interesting finding today, is that a witness statement i submitted after having a glass bottle launched at me in my own village (when seven months pregnant) has actually had people cautioned (better than nothing) including their parents (who dragged them from the crime scene, also witnessed) and a local meeting for further discussions, i can't wait, i knew i'd been keeping a record of every bit of abuse for a reason ^^.

..............................................


Last but not least, the evil that is self hatred. I still look like i'm in the early stages of pregnancy, I have horrendous water retention in my stomach feet and legs, and it's making me so miserable to the extent that it is destroying me and Sam, well certainly puting us through a very hard time. Because when i feel this shit about me, how can i expect him to feel attracted to me,. I'm not the perfect size 13 i was in January last year, resulting in no clothes, and buying a whole new wardobe (especially with a taste for cyberdog) can be extremely exspensive. I tried to go coat shopping but found nothing i liked, so am wasting £130 on a tattoo on friday instead, and fingers crossed that'll cheer me up. Urgh the best bit is I've been eating very little and very healthy with lots of exercise for weeks and nothing has come of it :/ gay.

............................................

On the plus side i have Portsmouth to look forward to with a midst of people i haven't seen for ages, even if i'm not dressing up.
A new tattoo
and tomorrow my spcial worker, health visitor, psyhiatrist are all coming on the same day... Huzah.

well Belle has awoken so I must be on my way, cheerio

xx

so i played this track to Belle and she went to sleep, super i thought, until i realised the lyrics;

"Double Dutch darkies take kisses back to Africa, dip them in a vat at the wacky chocolate factory"
now is it just me or does that sound racist?

As most of you know the 24th of this month brought on the late arrival of our darling daughter Belle. 3 days of labour, but well worth it. She is perfection , all 4.3kg of her.

However me being me can't do anything easy, and shortly after she arrived my body decided to hemorrhage , and i lost 650ml of blood, resulting in severe anemia. i was offered a blood transfusion, but turned it down (somewhat regretting), and now i have to take iron tablets all hours of the day that make me feel sick. On top of the passing out, head aches and other symptoms. Thankfully I have Sam , who is a wonderful dad, and my mum and sister who have been so supportive.

Other than this life is wonderful, and Belle is divine <3

Also apologies for being crap with social life, will try harder x

I walked to the shop today; it was thrilling =|

I seriously need to get out

I had the most important conversation last night, only problem being was i cant work out if i dreamt it or if it really happened.
and i don't want to re ask, just in case it's being kept quiet for reasons affecting that person.

then this morning i found a pen in the ash tray, and a letter in the fridge;

it's official;
I've gone fucking insane
[swear words added to make me feel that little bit cooler on the inside]


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

and if one more person asks me if i'm excited, or puts their hand on my tummy with their "awwws" and their "i bet you're feeling really run down" I'm going to attatch a bag of bricks to their back, lock them in a room for 9 months and truly show them how it feels.

urgh x

another birthday.
and quite a success, if you avoid the fact i spent 2 hours on the phone sorting out the fact my medical certificates had been lost in the post.
and that when i got up in the morning, i lost water, lots of water. Alarming to the point where i generally believed then and there that My birthday would soon be shared. But thankfully I'm here the next day with no child, just more waiting.

My dad didn't turn up, but my little sister did text me to tell me that texting was too advanced for him, and that they're coming over today :) that made me ridiculously happy, given she is only 7.

Sam bought me a shiny shiny shiny graphics card , which made me most happy,  so the building of my computer is almost complete.
And I got up nice and early to book some tickets for a halloween event, which I'm really looking forward to. The only thing is, I cant think of anything remotely fancy dress that is blue and isn't a mermaid, so I may have to opt for the natural fluffie, combine with white and just be some form of ice demon ^^

and so I'm 20 now *shudders* x